Adult Content – Seriously

Who decided that when you turn 18 you’re an “adult”? they are wrong.

Not how an adult acts.

Was there a meeting where someone was like, “Uh, yeah, I mean 18 is a pretty solid age to be on your own. Don’t let them drink legally, but everything else is cool.”

Then everyone else just agreed and that was that?

No one spoke up and said, “Ya know, I really think there should be more qualifications. Shouldn’t they be able to know how to do their taxes or start a 401k?”

Actual picture of what an adult is not.

Maybe there should be a test to become an adult instead of an age requirement. Like you have to know how to properly load a dishwasher, fold towels, shovel snow, change a tire, write a check, make dinner without calling your mom, do your own taxes, make your own doctors appointment, and like at least 10 other qualifications.

I’m pretty sure I would have failed it and then I wouldn’t be so stressed all the time because I would know that I’m not cut out to do adult things. I know many people who would approve of this method of determining adultness. 

Do not tell me we were supposed to learn these things in school because I absolutely never even heard of these things in school unless I was eaves dropping on a real adult.

My true feelings about adulthood.

For Christmas my mom got me a shirt that says “Adult-ish”, and I feel like that really describes every aspect of my life at this point.

Things that I’m not good at as an adult:

  1. Taxes – You can attempt to explain taxes to me all day, and at the end of that day I will proceed to thank The Good Lord Above that he blessed me with an accountant as a mom. Then I will send her all the information I think could be relevant to taxes and breath easier.
  2. Insurance – I understand none of it. On the phone getting car insurance when they give me options I say, “Well what do you think is best?” I don’t think that’s the right thing to do, but I literally have no idea. I just give all the power to this random person on the phone.
  3. Checking my mail – I constantly forget that something important could be in my mailbox. Sometimes the mailperson passive aggressively leaves my mailbox open or squishes everything in there. I like to think of it more as a friendly gesture that they cannot possibly fit anything else in there.
  4. Looking at my mail – To follow that, even once I check my mail it often just sits on the couch table until I have to look for something important that was supposedly sent to me a month ago. Then I aggressively open each piece of mail in search of this very important bill that was due. Side story: The first month our mortgage was due I completely forgot. I set up automatic payments for literally everything, so I just assumed the mortgage would come out. We happened to be traveling to Florida when I remembered that’s not how that works. I hurriedly called my roommate who was thankfully home and asked him to search the mail for our mortgage statement. Thankfully he found it and we were able to pay within the grace period, but goodness. What if we didn’t have a roommate? I didn’t even know who our mortgage was through to call or anything.
  5. Checking the weather/watching the news – This is a thing adults do, right? There could be a killer on the loose in my neighborhood, and unless my mom called me to tell me (which she would because she’s a real adult) I would happily sit on my deck while Leia plays in the yard and never be the wiser. Additionally, I am never dressed correctly for the weather. Yes, I know I can easily check that on my phone. That’s not the point. I never do. I literally look outside and then get dressed in hopes that it’s at least somewhat appropriate.
  6. Household chores – I touched on this in my other post, however, I am seriously terrible at it. I have a chores list on my refrigerator that I have never once followed, but I refuse to throw it away because I’m sure one day I will follow it (just laughed out loud at myself). I actually pay someone to clean my house, no shame. I started a load of laundry on Sunday and I just put it in the dryer. It smelled fine. Don’t you worry. I did do dishes like four times this week though, which is terribly impressive of me.
  7. Dealing with jerks – Girl, lemme tell you, I was not blessed with being able to keep my mouth shut. Random people on the street, okay, fine, but anyone I have any kind of relationship with is a no go. So last week I got fired for being a smart mouth. It’s true. I’m not proud, but I’m also not the least bit upset about it because my mama taught me to stick up for myself. This was a necessary part of my life, but no one prepared me for the emotion of loss it comes with. (Thankfully I have a therapist for that.)
  8. Saving money – Dad, do not lecture me when you see this! I’m serious. I still love you tho. We have savings; we really do. We do not have the savings account that we should have. We are the king and queen of buying things we think we need and eating out. It’s terrible. I know it’s terrible. I also have a nicely thought out budget hanging on my refrigerator that was followed for exactly one month. I need someone to come slap my hand every time I say I need something.
  9. Going to bed at a decent hour – Last night I stayed up until 2am watching videos on YouTube. I started with Miranda Sings and ended up watching videos about how transgender people came out to their significant others. It was super interesting, but not what I should be doing at 2am. Mostly because of this next thing, but also because I’m supposed to be on some kind of “sleep schedule”. Pssh.
  10. Waking up at a decent hour – I can’t with this one. I swear I’ve tried everything, but if you want me out of bed before noon you better be dragging me by the hair and yelling at me that the British are coming. I got one of those spiffy apps that “makes” you get up and take a picture of something, so I turned my phone off. I’ve tried putting my phone across the room, so I get up, turn it off, and go back to bed. I can’t do it, and you can’t make me.

 

See? DO YOU SEE THIS? I am such a bad adult y’all. I would never have passed an adult test. I call my mom for literally everything. If mom doesn’t know then the call carries over to dad, grandma, and my father-in-law. If none of them know then we are all screwed and there is no answer.

Pictured above is non-adults.

Until next time,

Life is my Comedy Show

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