I do not do bugs. Not little ones, big ones, hairy ones, bald ones, none of them.
Sitting on the couch I see a large long bug in the corner of my living room. Immediately I announce that someone must do something about this.
Asa: Nope. I don’t think I can deal with this situation at all.
Cory: (From the bathroom) I’M BUSY!
I get as close as I dare and see that this is no normal bug. This bug has an ungodly amount of legs.
Asa: *talking to Google* What bug has too many legs to be a real bug?
Google: A centipede, a house centipede
Asa: *shows me house centipede* It’s this one, isn’t it?
Me: Yup. It looks worse up close. OMG. It’s moving. Nope. Get that thing.
Cory: *emerges from the bathroom* Oh yeah, one of those crawled up the drain the other day. I tried to kill it, but I just injured it.
Asa: It’s back for revenge dude!
Practically a lifetime passes as we contemplate what we are going to do about this monstrosity in our house.
Cory: We’re probably just going to have to burn down the house.
Me: I mean, that’s the only solution I can think of.
Asa: If I squish it on the wall it will leave a mark.
Cory: Get a cup and a piece of paper and trap it! *proceeds with said plan*
Cory traps the angry ten thousand legged creature in a cup and proceeds to CARRY IT AROUND THE HOUSE AND LOOK AT IT!
Me: GET RID OF THAT THING!
Asa: What’s it going to do? Crawl out of the cup?
Me: YES. OMG DO SOMETHING WITH IT.
Either Cory or Asa (sometimes I can’t tell who’s smart mouth is whose): It’s probably going to fire up its jetpack and fly out.
At this point I’m just trying to get anywhere that is not close to this thing until they decide that the rational thing to do is get rid of it by any means necessary.
Finally Asa flushed it down the toilet. Not before both of them had their chance to taunt me and pretend this terrifying creature was going to attack me and take away the short life that I’ve lived.
I don’t think this is how living with two men is supposed to go…
The bug is gone, but I will still live in fear.
Until next time,
Life is my comedy show