Eight Things That are No Joke

 

  • Laundry

 

Every single aspect of laundry is so daunting. Yes, I realize we have come a long way in this world by not having to wash by hand, however, the process of separating your clothes, loading them into the washer, waiting patiently while completing another task, moving your clothes to the dryer, waiting even more patiently, (or completely forgetting about them until you cannot seem to find your favorite shirt anywhere), then, the ever so dreaded, folding of the clothes, followed by the even more dreaded, putting away the clothes. I just can’t get on board with this process.  

 

  • Bathing

 

Yes, I know I have to bathe. I realize this can be a very enjoyable thing, however, there are times where I just don’t want to take the 10-30 minutes out of my day to do this simple task. Particularly at night when I have to shower because I can’t go to bed with makeup on. I always do it (definitely don’t always shave), but I do always shower and wash my bod.

 

  • Dishes

 

Weirdly enough, I do not mind doing the dishes. I don’t really mind hand washing them, and I certainly don’t mind loading the dishwasher. I hate, double, hate, LOATHE unloading the dishwasher or putting away the clean dishes. It is just such a waste of time in my mind. I love how clean my kitchen looks when they are put away, but it is generally a task I put off on someone else.

 

  • Cleaning

 

Another task that I just don’t enjoy in the slightest. I will wipe down my counters, I will organize the mess that accumulates on the table right by the door, I will clean up after our zoo, and I will even sweep on occasion. Do not expect to find me dancing around with a duster at any point in the day, or putting away laundry before I have three clean loads on the floor and I don’t have anything to wear. These are not enjoyable things to me, and frankly, I consider them a waste of time. Necessary, but still a waste of time.

 

  • Getting gas

 

If you have been in my life for a while then you are aware that I very often wait until my choices are break down or get gas. If you happen to be in the car with me while I have to ponder this decision then I will offer up everything I own in order to convince you to pump my gas. Part of this stems from my slight fear of other people’s germs on public objects. I just can’t even think about the things that have touched that gas pump. Plus my mom scared me at a young age about how someone could jump in your car and steal it or steal your things or hide and kill you. There are just so many things that could go wrong when pumping gas, because of that it takes a lot of courage for me to pump my gas instead of being stranded. #createjobs #gaspumpersneeded

 

  • Cooking dinner

 

I should cook dinner way more often than I do. I should do a lot of things way more often than I do, but that’s not the point. Cooking dinner sends me into a spiral of what comes next. Generally I start to cook, then I start to smell what I’m cooking. I call, “Dinner is ready!” just like my mom does. I make plates for everyone (even though I live with two grown men), and then we all sit down to eat. The food is almost never as good as I want it to be. After dinner  comes dirty dishes, refer to number 3. I don’t necessarily mind this chore, but once the dishes are done they have to be put away. If I cook dinner the next night then the SAME exact thing has to happen. It’s all so repetitive. I generally opt for eating out, but since I’m trying to be healthy that’s really not the best decision usually.

 

  • Organizing

 

I actually enjoy organizing, most of the time. This doesn’t mean that I don’t think it’s a waste of time. Almost everything in my house has a specific place it could go. Do these things get put in their place? Absolutely not. Anything that is in my  hand when I walk in the door gets placed directly on the couch table until there is a pile so high that it is falling over. At some point in my life I decide this is ridiculous and I begin to sort through this pile. I generally find all kinds of fun things.

  •         Making the bed

Let’s be honest, I don’t actually ever do this. I see no sense in going through the trouble of pulling the covers up, placing the pillows in their correct spot, and adding the adorable throw pillows I own. Instead the bed often looks like I sat in the middle and turned in circles until the blankets were completely twisted up and the throw pillows reside on the floor somewhere that I often trip over.

 

It is very possible that you disagree with me on a number of these things. I am okay with that.

I also do not intend this post to be ungrateful for the fact that I live such a life of luxury to have the opportunity to even hate these things.

Simply put, I’m pretty lazy. I like to take the easy way out.

 

Catch ya next week,

Life is my comedy show

Bugs Are No Joke

I do not do bugs. Not little ones, big ones, hairy ones, bald ones, none of them.
Sitting on the couch I see a large long bug in the corner of my living room. Immediately I announce that someone must do something about this.

Asa: Nope. I don’t think I can deal with this situation at all.
Cory: (From the bathroom) I’M BUSY!

I get as close as I dare and see that this is no normal bug. This bug has an ungodly amount of legs.

Asa: *talking to Google* What bug has too many legs to be a real bug?
Google: A centipede, a house centipede
Asa: *shows me house centipede* It’s this one, isn’t it?
Me: Yup. It looks worse up close. OMG. It’s moving. Nope. Get that thing.
Cory: *emerges from the bathroom* Oh yeah, one of those crawled up the drain the other day. I tried to kill it, but I just injured it.
Asa: It’s back for revenge dude!

Practically a lifetime passes as we contemplate what we are going to do about this monstrosity in our house.

Cory: We’re probably just going to have to burn down the house.
Me: I mean, that’s the only solution I can think of.
Asa: If I squish it on the wall it will leave a mark.
Cory: Get a cup and a piece of paper and trap it! *proceeds with said plan*

Cory traps the angry ten thousand legged creature in a cup and proceeds to CARRY IT AROUND THE HOUSE AND LOOK AT IT!

Me: GET RID OF THAT THING!
Asa: What’s it going to do? Crawl out of the cup?
Me: YES. OMG DO SOMETHING WITH IT.
Either Cory or Asa (sometimes I can’t tell who’s smart mouth is whose): It’s probably going to fire up its jetpack and fly out.

At this point I’m just trying to get anywhere that is not close to this thing until they decide that the rational thing to do is get rid of it by any means necessary.

Finally Asa flushed it down the toilet. Not before both of them had their chance to taunt me and pretend this terrifying creature was going to attack me and take away the short life that I’ve lived.

I don’t think this is how living with two men is supposed to go…

The bug is gone, but I will still live in fear.

Until next time,

Life is my comedy show


Still Here Laughing

So much has happened in my life recently.

The most exciting of these things is that we bought a house! We decided to stay put for the next few years, so it seemed reasonable to pay monthly towards our mortgage instead of monthly rent.

House buying is quite the event in itself. Every time a new house was on the market that looked remotely like what we wanted we would drop our plans and go look at it.

The amount of homes we viewed was crazy, and the amount of homes we hated was equally as crazy.

We finally found our dream home and I knew that the moment I stepped foot inside of it.

Our new home certainly has its flaws, but as a whole I am madly in love with our cute house on a hill.

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Let’s go back to where we left off.

Obviously I was homesick (that’s why I wrote about home), so I decided to go home and visit my favorite people in the world. The visit was lovely, as always. I visited everyone that I could, I ate too much, laughed enough to count as an ab workout, and cried quietly in the airport when I left.

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Leaving home is always hard. I miss my costar tremendously, I miss my bad child (Leia), my sweet kitty (Vee) , my scaly friend (Jar-Jar), and my underwater friend (Finn). I miss my bed and my kitchen, but leaving my family 12 hours always makes me a little bit sad.

So I came back to my bittersweet homecoming with snuggles from my cute husband and my small farm, barely unpacked, got a decent night sleep, worked the next day, and ended up in the hospital that night.

Lucky me, I got a kidney infection! Yay!

Those things are the bane of my existence.

Spent the weekend being catered to with heparin shots to the belly, loud alarms when fluids ran out, 2am blood pressure checks, and three meals a day brought to me in bed. It was glorious.

I prayed that I would be out by Tuesday so that we could sign for our house a day early since my co-star had an eye surgery planned for Wednesday!

My prayers were answered, and as exhausted and still slightly in pain as I was the hospital agreed to release me Monday night.

Tuesday was the day we got our home!! We did a final walk through, we signed the papers, we dotted our I’s and crossed our T’s and became home owners.

Wednesday I drove my sweet man to make his eyes new and able to see.

Thursday and Friday were filled with packing and stressing.

Saturday some of our closest family members came to lend a helping hand and break in our new home.

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Sunday was officially moving day! We set off that morning with the U-haul, packed up everything large (I take no credit for this), and then unpacked everything large (Also taking no credit for this). With only minor set backs we had a pretty successful moving day.

We’ve been in our house for about 3 weeks and some things are still in boxes, we have made friends with all of our woodland creatures, I’ve almost found everything that my grandma put away, and we have Wi-Fi.

I strategically planned a housewarming party so that I have no choice but to have my house in order soon.

 

Until next time,

Life is my comedy show

 

Where I Started the Show

I grew up in the smallest of towns.

I’m sure there are smaller towns, but i didn’t think so growing up.

In my town a few things were very normal. Let me name them:

  1. You could be identified by your last name. “You look like a(n) *insert last name here*. Is *insert father’s name here* your dad?”
  2. We really hung out in the Walmart parking lot. I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. That’s where everyone met up to figure out where the real party was.
  3. The real party was usually in either the woods or someone’s parents barn.
  4. Everyone knew everything you ever even thought about doing, and someone probably told your parents.
  5. We drank a lot of Natural Light and Smirnoff Green Apple.
  6. If you didn’t go to elementary school or middle school together then you met in high school.
  7. Either my mom did your taxes or you knew my dad somehow.
  8. My sophomore year someone got maced in the hallway causing us to stay extra time in first period so the smell could clear.
  9. My junior year someone called in several bomb threats because they forgot to do their homework
  10. My senior year I decided to only go to college classes

A few memorable things happened to me in my hometown.

I will start with the time someone escaped from jail while I was in elementary school. Turns out he had actually tricked my great aunt into thinking he was a trustee.

Then there was the time I fell in love for the first time. This is a long and complicated story that I don’t wish to relive, but at the time I knew that was my forever. I was terribly wrong. I let myself suffer through almost two years of a very unhealthy relationship at a very young age. That relationship shaped most of my teenage years. I allowed someone to consume me at the young age of twelve. I allowed someone to be my entire life when I barely knew what life was.

This is what happened in my hometown though. This was not abnormal. I wasn’t the only one madly in love at my age. I wasn’t the only one who was sure that my entire life would revolve around this person forever.

I also experienced my very first real heartbreak in my hometown. At the time I was sure it was the hardest thing I would ever experience. I was wrong. There are things in life much harder, but this is honestly one that still sticks with me.

I fell in love twice more in this same hometown.

I got my heart broken a few more times in this small town.

I got in my first, second, and third fight, in my hometown. A real throw down fight. My mom was so angry.

I received the most love, criticism, and hate in my hometown.

I learned so much and so little about life in my hometown.

My family, friends, and childhood still live in my hometown.

This is the place that made me, and I would not change that for the world.

I made my very first best friend in my hometown. She is an absolutely amazing human being who supports me through every adventure life throws at me. She has been by my side since third grade. I intend to write an entire post about her soon.

I made my first completely fake friend in my hometown. She taught me that there are people in the world who only want to use you. It’s hard to find out that not every person you meet wants to be your friend.

I had my first pet in my hometown. He was a beautiful german shepard who was stolen by a heartless lady who assumed since he jumped the fence (because he was scared) that we didn’t take good care of him.

I had my favorite job in my hometown. I worked with some of the best, most dramatic, and rude people I’ve ever worked with. We were a family. I have never felt that at another job.

I find humor in missing all this.

I grew up dreaming of leaving this place. Dreaming of doing something bigger and better, but I find myself missing every single one of these things regularly.

It’s hard to leave behind the place that made you.

It’s hard to leave behind the people that made you.

I got deep.

I promised not to do that.

I’m sure I broke my first promise in my hometown too.

Until next time,

Life is my Comedy show (but not today)

Learning to laugh

I had to learn to laugh. I have always had a sense of humor. I have always been pretty sharp with my witty comebacks and sarcasm. I like to mask things with jokes, and I always have. It took growing up and reflecting to truly learn to laugh.

Let’s get just a little bit serious for a minute.

I suffer from both depression and anxiety. *GASP*

I thought I would get that out of the way sooner rather than later.

Yes, I suffer from both. I am on medicine for both. I have no shame about my mental illnesses, and I still know how to laugh. I laugh loud, hard, and very obnoxiously.

My mental illness is the reason I had to learn to laugh. I had to learn to laugh even in the worst of times. I had to learn to see any ray of light in a very dark place.

With a lot of learning and much more faith, I think I’m finally getting there.

So that time in fourth grade when I pee’d my pants in the middle of a math test is now a very funny story to share. As well as the time I pee’d my pants before I could make it back to my apartment in Cali. I think those are both hilarious stories now. At the time I was horribly embarrassed (especially when the really nice person sitting next to me told the whole class, and when I had to sneakily wash my shoes at the Laundromat that specifically said ‘no shoes in the machines’). Now I think of it more as a really great way to laugh at myself, and when I say, “I really have to pee. Like right now”, people take me much more seriously.

In high school I did things that no one could ever be proud of. I can seriously laugh at how silly yet real I thought things were then. I remember how much every single outfit, relationship, and party mattered. Every negative word that other people said about me was heart wrenching. I smiled through all of this. I always pretended I was okay. Then I would cry before falling asleep and replay every ugly word that every single one of those ugly hearted people said. I thought it all mattered so much when it really didn’t matter at all. I learned so much in those years that made me the person I needed to be. Being this person meant being a person who can laugh at the silly things in life and find a positive in the negatives of life. Being this person means I know whose words really matter, and whose words don’t.

Okay, this got deep. I didn’t mean to. We’ll keep it light from now on.

What’s a moth’s life motto?

Always look at the bright side. 😉

Until next time,

Life is my comedy show

 

Welcome, audience

Life is my comedy show. Sometimes I get tomatoes thrown at me and booed off the stage, but sometimes I’m in Madison Square with a sold out show.

I really like comedy. I really like to make people laugh, and I really like to make everything into a funny story. Sometimes it’s hard to find the good in life, but if you can laugh at yourself then you have a great start.

I’m here to tell you stories about my life. These will be in no reasonable order or under no certain topic. I will write as it comes to me. Maybe about today, maybe about years ago, but I will write my heart out. My goal is to make you laugh. My goal is to connect with you through my stories and for you to realize that you can make life your comedy show as well.

crazy girls